To An Innocent Bystander:

Love isn't something people figure out in 18 years.
It isn't something people figure out in a lifetime.
People change, even at the age of 80, and sometimes,
you change at a different pace than that fellow human.
That's what happens.
Relationships are a huge part of life. But they are not our life.

Before you decide upon any interaction with someone,
you need to bring yourself to a sense of self-determination and identity.
You are finding yourself.
I am finding myself.
An innocent bystander sure as hell is finding himself.
And your mom is finding herself too.
You don't treat people the way you should until you know who you are.
Thus is life, and boy does it suck.
There won't always be people who are there for you. there will be days when you are utterly alone and trapped in a life you don't want to live.
I'd say this is one of those times, but I'm here for you, and I'm sure a lot of other people are.

During those times, you need to turn inward.
You need to absorb everything. Media, hobbies, books, games, drawings, poetry, stories, stamp collecting, Yu-Gi-Oh, working at a soup kitchen, cooking a souffle, and anything else you can experience.
The only thing that you could ever depend upon to go on whilst you are alive is life itself, so live it to the extreme.

My mother used to tell me that whenever I felt sad, to do a good deed without anyone telling me, and then write it down. Soon, I taught myself how to be charitable, and it became a hobby. Get lost in whatever you want to do that might improve your life, and die of it. that is my advice.
Maybe, you need a relationship. Few people do.
If you do need to have these relationships to function, and to truly be happy, then unfortunately, that takes work and dedication on both ends. You could only do so much. So don't look for life in others. Look for it in yourself.

Don't find love. Find you.